The Smudge
by Fade to Osaka
Summary: A story spoofing various horror movies. The only thing protecting them is Osaka's strange knowledge of American horror movies.
1. Chapter 1

The Smudge

A/N: I wrote this out of boredom and for I don't own Azumanga or the movies referenced. And I don't know why, but in this story Osaka has a lot of knowledge about American horror movies. R&R

When a story is written by someone who is in a powerful grip of boredom, randomness ensues. Those who encounter the random horror villains continue this endless, growing chain of nonsense.

THE SMUDGE.

_Chiyo's Summer Home_

All of the girls in Minamo's car were sleeping (besides Minamo, of course.) They passed the sign that signaled they were finally approaching Chiyo's summer home.

WELCOME TO RED LAKE

As they pulled up to the summer home, Minamo honked the horn to wake everyone up. Chiyo, Osaka, Sakaki, and Kaorin got out of the car. They looked down the road, waiting for Yukari's car.

After about a minute, a loud whirring could be heard and what looked like a large silver bullet sped up to the house. Tomo was sticking her head out, cheering. Yomi and Kagura's bloodcurdling screams were audible. The car came to a screeching stop.

Yukari and Tomo happily got out of the car. Yomi and Kagura opened their doors and waves of tears poured out. As they were walking toward the summer home, they glanced back and saw a tall man wearing a hockey mask and holding a machete.

Everyone stood there silently. "Erm… Osaka, you're the creepy one around here. What do we do?" Kagura asked, nervously. Osaka thought for a moment. "Oh!"

Osaka stood in front of everyone and turned to them. "There are a few rules in scary stuff. Rule one, no sex. Of course, that won't be a problem."

Yukari snickered. "It'd be hard for Nyamo if this was five years ago. Minamo looked at her angrily. "WILL YOU STOP SAYING STUFF LIKE THAT?! IT'S GETTING OLD!"

Osaka cleared her throat to get everyone's attention. "Rule two, no showers (this was met by many "ew's.") Rule three, no trying to fight back. Rule four, no drugs." Yukari snickered again. "It'd be hard for Nyamo if-" She was cut off by a brick forcefully hit her head.

Osaka spoke up again. "Rule five, never taunt fate. Rule six, walk, don't run. Rule seven, no late night swimming. Rule eight, never go to the next house on the left. This should not be a problem since we are the last house on the right. And that about covers it." They all walked inside. Jason walked away, moping.

Once they got inside, Chiyo was very terrified. "Oh, don't worry Chiyo-Chan! In horror movies and stories, little kids never die!" Osaka said in a matter-of-fact tone. Chiyo smiled as she regained hope.

_3:00 AM_

Tomo tossed and turned in her bed. She couldn't sleep. _What can I do to help me sleep? Hmm… Oh! I know! I can take a late night swim!_

She got into her bikini and skipped out her front door. The door closed just loudly enough to wake Osaka up. "What's going on? Did I just hear a door?" She came to a shocking realization.

Osaka ran out the door, still in her night gown. "Tomo, get out of the water! RULE SEVEN, DANG IT! RULE SEVEN!" Tomo shrugged. "What's the worst that can happen?"

Osaka felt angry at Tomo. Like the time Tomo didn't split chopsticks properly. "Whenever someone says that, they die!" Tomo thought Osaka had lost it. "That only happens in movies!"

Osaka wanted to force the information into Tomo' head. "That's what they always say!" Jason came up behind Osaka. He pushed her out of the way. "Wait, Mr. Voorhees! My friend isn't a camp counselor! Don't kill her!"

Jason ignored Osaka's pleas. He threw his machete at Tomo. It zoomed past her neck and sliced her shoulder. "Ah! Damn it all! Hey, what's your problem?"

Jason walked away in a huff. Tomo grabbed his machete and got out of the water. But before she got out, Jaws attempted to eat her. But he missed.

Osaka and Tomo reentered Chiyo's summer house. "YUKARI! WAKE UP! I NEED HELP!" Tomo screamed "Shut up!" Yukari yelled. Everyone else came running form their rooms.

Chiyo and Sakaki grew deathly pale. At the sight of blood. "Whoa! Cool! Can I touch it?" Kagura yelled. "No!" Tomo shot back. Yomi though she probably just fell out of a tree again. Minamo already fetched the first aid kit. She bandaged up Tomo.

Osaka explained what happened. "Didn't Osaka explain the rules to us, Tomo?" Yomi asked. Tomo didn't respond, because she was too busy poking the bandages.

Jason knocked the door down, causing everyone to jump about four feet back. "OH NO WE'RE ALL GONA DIE AND- Oh wait, I still have his machete." Tomo realized. She jumped to her feet and began running around Jason in a wildcat manner.

Once Jason seemed dizzy, Tomo started stabbing him. "And this one's for Lupin! This is for Daisuke Jigen! This one, of course, is for Fujiko Mine! And this one's for my shoulder!"

Jason fell to the ground, but Tomo continued stabbing him. "I think he's dead…" Everyone besides Tomo said. Yukari finally came downstairs. "Whoa, a dead body, did I miss something fun?"

Out of nowhere, a lighting bolt struck Jason, bringing him back to life. "How'd this happen? This doesn't make sense!" Chiyo said, scared. "Friday the 13th lacks all logic!" Tomo began stabbing him again, and he died again.

A lightning bolt struck again. The process began repeating for an hour. Finally something new happened. Jason took his mask off. "Eww, put it back on." Tomo said. Osaka suddenly has a vein pulsing out of her head. "RULE FIVE!"

Jason put his hand up. "In trying to kill me, you have brought a terrible fate. For the next year, you will be attacked by random horror villains. Now I leave you. RAWGAWGAW" After this… err… 'grunt,' Jason turned into ash.

"You just HAD to go swimming, didn't you?" Yomi scowled. "Without me, we wouldn't have his machete." Tomo said proudly. Everyone sweatdropped. "Without you, we wouldn't have been attacked! God, you are the dumbest numbnut ever. So that must mean I'm the smartest!" Kagura said.

Osaka frowned at this statement. "What about me?" Kagura stared for a moment. "Yeah, I'm the smartest."

A few uneventful days later, it was time for them to go home. They were all worried about the horrors that would await them over the next year.

A/N: I don't know why I wrote this, but I definitely will continue. Please review. I don't know what Chapter 2 will be. Possibly Texas Chainsaw Massacre.


	2. Chapter 2

A/N: Nope, I lied. This chapter is not TCM. This chapter contains blood. Lotsa blood. And swearing. Lotsa swearing. And mentions of hentai. But there aren't lotsa them. Hehe, I like the word 'lotsa.' R&R

All of the Azu girls were in their individual homes. All at the same time, there was a knock on all of their doors. And, also simultaneously, they were shot with tranquilizer darts.

_Tomo's trap_

Tomo awoke in a dark room. She had a tape recorder in her hand. She hit the play button.

_Hello Tomo, I would like to play a game. You have been forever screwing your friends over. Most recently, you made a curse fall upon them which has put them in ludicrous situations involving horror villains. They are also going to face traps. If the traps aren't finished in the time limit, the room will collapse. This, however, is not relevant to your trap. You killed Jason Voorhees in real life, but can you play… His game? You have 10 hours to beat it. Good luck._

Tomo found a TV and an NES in front of her. She turned them on. The starting screen began. Jason's mask was on screen. A knife fell through the eye. She picked her character and began to play.

_5 Hours Later_

Tomo screamed in agony. "I CAN'T PLAY THIS SHIT ANYMORE!" Tomo unplugged the NES. She looked around for a weapon she could kill herself with. She couldn't take life anymore if she had to play this game. She fell on the ground crying. She looked up and saw a god-like light.

"Hello everymeow." A catlike figure stated. "Am I… dead?" Tomo asked. "No, no. Au contraire, little grasshopper. You need to play this game, if not, not only you, but your friends will die. And I would be very hurt, because your group of friends includes my daughter."

"I'm sorry, Mr. Kitty, I just can't take this anymore. Take me to Raspberry Heaven. I don't care if you forever haunt me. I just can't play anymore." Tomo said, tears began to well up in her eyes.

"These will make it all better. A strategy guide, so you can beat this monstrosity. And some pain reliever, so this experience will at least be somewhat tolerable." Chiyo's Father said, handing Tomo the items.

Tomo opened the bottle of pain relievers and tried to take hundreds, but only one was in there.

"I wouldn't have you overdose. I'm not stupid, I'm a cat." Chiyo's Father said, plugging the NES back in and handing Tomo the controller. He disappeared. Tomo turned the NES back on and played.

Her attempts were repeatedly foiled. Four hours and fifty minutes passed. "There's no hope." Despite this, she continued playing. She surprisingly made it to the final Jason. She attacked him with an axe.

A catlike voice chimed into the air. _Use the force, Tomo._ She didn't know what this meant. She took a final swing at Jason and killed him. She collapsed to her knees. "There really is a god…"

A key popped out of the NES. She used it to unlock a door, which led to a safe room.

_Chiyo and Osaka's trap_

Osaka's eyes flickered open. She looked to her left, and looked to her right. She didn't see anything, so she went back to sleep.

… 

_One hour later_

Osaka awoke again, this time she got up. She saw Chiyo's unconscious body lying on the ground. "Ch… Ch… CHIYO-CHAN!" She collapsed to her knees and hugged the body. A voice came out of a PA system.

_Relax Ms. Kasuga, she is well. Your stupid friend Tomo got you all cursed, remember? Well, now you are dealing with another villain. A villain who… likes to play games. All of the time you have been Chiyo's friend, you have loved her pigtails beyond belief. Now you will need to choose between life and pigtails._

_Allow me to elaborate. Next to you are a pair of scissors. You have one hour to cut Chiyo's pigtails off. If you don't, you both will die. Let the games begin._

Osaka looked around for another alternative. '_Think of all the wonder and science I would be taking away from future generations…'_ She was too confused. She put the scissors to her wrists.

'_Oh wait, she has a few more pairs at home.'_ Osaka cut the pigtails off. "That was the toughest thing ever." She woke up Chiyo and explained the situation. A door opened and took them to the safe room.

_Yukari and Minamo's Trap_

Yukari and Minamo woke up at the same. "Where are we?" Minamo asked. Yukari didn't respond. She was looking at a tape player that said PLAY ME.

"What should we do with it?" Yukari asked. Minamo sweatdropped. "I dunno, maybe we should PLAY IT?"

_Hello Minamo, Yukari, I would like to play a game. I have seen both of you in super hawt hentai. But it's always with guys, and I want just you two. Give me some hawt yuri action, and you can have that unguarded key over there. Let the games begin._

Yukari and Minamo looked disgusted. "What the hell? Hentai? We aren't in a goddamn anime! That's sick!" Yukari yelled. "Erm… The key is unguarded." Minamo said as they both sweatdropped. The unlocked the door and went into a safe room.

_Tomo's safe room_

Tomo sat in her little room, shivering. "Nobody could possibly get a worse trap then I did…"

_Chiyo and Osaka's safe room_

"I'm so sorry Chiyo-Chan, now you won't be able to fly until you get them replaced." Osaka apologized, on the verge of tears. "It's alright, Osaka-San! They'll grow back soon." Chiyo said, patting Osaka on the back,

_Yukari and Minamo's safe room_

"That was really stupid…" Yukari said. Minamo agreed.

_Sakaki's Trap_

Sakaki stood up as soon as she woke up. She found a tape recorder (what a shock.) She hit play.

_Hello Sakaki, I would like to play a game. You have been placed under a curse due to Tomo. Now you are about to be tested. Inside your pocket is a scalpel. And to your left is a cat. A dead one, mind you. I am not evil enough to make you kill a cat. Dissect the cat, and in it's stomach, there is a key to your safe room. Let the games begin._

Sakaki looked absolutely mortified. After pacing manically for a half an hour, she decided she could act like it was just surgery. She walked over to the cat. "This is just surgery… This is just surgery…" She repeated it to herself.

She thrust the scalpel into the cat. She cut into its stomach and began searching around. Tears were pouring from her eyes. She found the key. Crying and feeling sick, she walked into her safe room. She felt like a completely new person. She wanted revenge.

_Yomi's trap_

Yomi awoke to the sound of a man's voice. She could not tell where it was coming from.

_Hello, Koyomi, I would like to play a game. Lately, all you have been caring about is dieting. You hardly ever pay attention to your friends. Now it is time to throw all of that out the window. To save you and your friends, you have to eat all seven of these cakes. Only once all of these are gone, will you be able to locate the key to escape this room._

They were small cakes, but definitely filled with calories. Yomi put her face in her hands. "All these years of dieting, gone. But at least I get free cake out of it."

Yomi attacked the cakes one by one. Each of them contained a piece of paper. She began feeling sick after the second cake. She used all of her will power to eat the cakes. After she finally finished them, she felt like she would throw up.

Yomi put the notes together. "The… Key… Is… In… Your… Dumbass… You… Pocket…" She looked at the paper oddly for a moment. She realized she has to switch five and seven. "Damn, I can't believe I just ate seven cakes, when I could've just reached into my pocket."

She walked into her safe room, feeling stupid.

_Kagura's Trap_

Kagura woke up, and she looked around the room and saw hundreds of treadmills. "What the hell is going on here?" She realized that she, also, was on a treadmill. It started, and went at the highest speed. A voice over a PA system chimed in.

_Rise and shine, Kagura, it is time for your morning workout. You need to get to the end of this room to get a key, which will get you into a safe room. In every direction there are treadmills. How will you advance? You figure it out._

She continued running, contemplating what to do. She tried to jump over it, but fell and began ripping the knees of her pants, which quickly tore. It began ripping her knee skin. She got up.

"Ow! I guess that didn't work." Kagura said. She started going onto the treadmills to the left and right of her. She then noticed a small button that said POWER. She hit it and it turned the treadmill off.

"Wow that was too simple." She began turning each of them off. She had some trouble getting from row to row, but she managed. Eventually she got to the key. "How could I miss something so obvious?" She entered her safe room.

The safe room walls lifted up and turned into one large room. All the Azu girls were together again. They all discussed their traps. They quickly decided Tomo's was the worst.

"Even though I had to dissect a cat, your trap was worse. I can't believe he made you do that." Sakaki said. She wanted revenge, but she couldn't think of anything.

An elderly man entered the room. "Congratulations. You have survived the traps."

"Wait, so you were the guy who actually made Tomo play Friday the 13th?" Yomi asked, still feeling sick. "Yes, I did. I am Jigsaw" The man said, smiling.

Sakaki held up the scalpel. "I say we kill him." Everyone gaped at her. "Sakaki, that is… Really out of character for you." Kagura said, as shocked as everyone else. "Tomo took the scalpel. "Yeah!"

Tomo jumped at Jigsaw. She stabbed him about 763 times in only a minute. "You… Are a fast stabber." Jigsaw said as his final words.

They all disappeared in a flash of light and were back in Tokyo. "Whoa, I need some rest." Yukari said. "I need to run about 5,000 miles to get the calories off." Yomi said, pinching her love handles. "And I need to go mourn the death of Chiyo-Chan's pigtails." Osaka said. They all walked back to their individual homes.

A/N: Holy crap, Tomo's an actual murderer! Good thing she's in a different dimension than Saw. This chapter was really hard to write. It took me forever to think of Kagura's and Yomi's trap. Can you tell I hate the Friday the 13th game? Please review.


End file.
